1 00:00:02,303 --> 00:00:04,003 Mommy, can we wake Daddy up? 2 00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:05,535 No, honey, it's Sunday. 3 00:00:05,536 --> 00:00:07,707 You know what Daddy says about waking him early on Sunday morning. 4 00:00:07,708 --> 00:00:09,339 He'll call the TV people 5 00:00:09,340 --> 00:00:11,580 and have them take cartoons off the air forever and ever. 6 00:00:13,114 --> 00:00:14,614 Yeah. He'll do it, too. 7 00:00:14,615 --> 00:00:16,487 He did it to Mommy with Sex and the City. 8 00:00:18,189 --> 00:00:19,789 But we want daddy to play Talent Show. 9 00:00:19,790 --> 00:00:21,020 CHERYL: Oh. 10 00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:22,792 GRACIE: Yeah. 11 00:00:22,793 --> 00:00:26,497 We can sing and dance and wear our sparkle dream headbands. 12 00:00:27,628 --> 00:00:29,299 Aw, I'm sorry, girls, 13 00:00:29,300 --> 00:00:31,702 but Daddy promised Mommy he'd play clean the gutters today. 14 00:00:32,433 --> 00:00:34,334 Huh? 15 00:00:34,335 --> 00:00:38,808 That's been Mommy's sparkle dream for about six months now. 16 00:00:38,809 --> 00:00:41,642 RUBY: But we want to play Talent Show now. 17 00:00:44,245 --> 00:00:46,717 I'm going to do his nails and his hair. 18 00:00:48,619 --> 00:00:52,482 GRACIE: And I'm going to put lipstick on him. 19 00:00:52,483 --> 00:00:54,724 RUBY: And he's going to like my song more. 20 00:00:54,725 --> 00:00:56,326 GRACIE: Nuh-uh. My song. 21 00:00:56,327 --> 00:00:57,728 (GIRLS SINGING) 22 00:00:59,790 --> 00:01:01,391 CHERYL: Okay, okay, I can't take it anymore! 23 00:01:01,392 --> 00:01:03,193 Okay, wake your father. 24 00:01:03,194 --> 00:01:04,595 GIRLS: Yay! 25 00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:06,637 Phew. 26 00:01:11,502 --> 00:01:13,244 Hey, Jimmy. (GASPS) 27 00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:17,107 Roxanne. 28 00:01:17,108 --> 00:01:18,248 What the hell are you doing here? 29 00:01:18,249 --> 00:01:21,281 Hey, is that any way to greet your sister? 30 00:01:21,282 --> 00:01:23,854 Hey, if that's a mouse, you better feed it some cheese. 31 00:01:28,719 --> 00:01:30,089 Roxanne, I thought I told you 32 00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:32,222 I never wanted to see your face again. 33 00:01:32,223 --> 00:01:33,823 What crawled up your butt? 34 00:01:33,824 --> 00:01:36,466 Are you still mad at me for marrying Andy? 35 00:01:36,467 --> 00:01:39,199 No, I'm mad at you for dumping him the next day. 36 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:42,202 Aw, come on. I had a bad year. 37 00:01:42,203 --> 00:01:43,403 So did Martha Stewart, 38 00:01:43,404 --> 00:01:46,506 I don't see you ragging on her. 39 00:01:46,507 --> 00:01:48,708 Come on, Jimmy. Give me a break. 40 00:01:48,709 --> 00:01:51,481 No, I've given you tons of breaks. No. 41 00:01:51,482 --> 00:01:53,783 Go. Just get out. Leave me alone. 42 00:01:53,784 --> 00:01:55,546 Aw, fine. 43 00:01:56,447 --> 00:01:57,618 (SIGHS) 44 00:01:59,290 --> 00:02:01,552 (STAMMERING) What... What's that? 45 00:02:02,593 --> 00:02:05,196 It's a baby in my stomach. 46 00:02:06,157 --> 00:02:07,658 (MUMBLING) But... 47 00:02:08,529 --> 00:02:10,530 You're pregnant? 48 00:02:10,531 --> 00:02:13,463 Oh, you're quick. 49 00:02:13,464 --> 00:02:16,837 Took me two weeks of throwing up to figure that one out. 50 00:02:17,708 --> 00:02:19,138 All right. 51 00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:20,811 The baby can come in. 52 00:02:22,543 --> 00:02:24,544 RUBY: Daddy, where are you? 53 00:02:24,545 --> 00:02:26,717 Let's go in through the garage. 54 00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:37,558 JIM: Oh, baby! 55 00:02:38,889 --> 00:02:40,159 Cheryl, Cheryl, what are you doing? 56 00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,331 Those are the good cookies. 57 00:02:41,332 --> 00:02:42,793 She's pregnant. She's not dying. 58 00:02:44,535 --> 00:02:47,437 Here you go, Roxanne, a nice hot cup of tea. 59 00:02:47,438 --> 00:02:48,938 It's decaf. 60 00:02:48,939 --> 00:02:50,640 I know you have to be careful in your condition. 61 00:02:50,641 --> 00:02:52,542 Oh, I sure do. 62 00:02:52,543 --> 00:02:54,205 Hey, you got any bourbon? 63 00:02:55,706 --> 00:02:57,777 No, I'm kidding. Oh! 64 00:02:57,778 --> 00:03:00,710 I gave up the booze, the smokes, and off-roading. 65 00:03:00,711 --> 00:03:03,183 Now this kid better be freaking cute. 66 00:03:04,585 --> 00:03:06,816 Okay, Roxanne. Come on, let's cut to it. 67 00:03:06,817 --> 00:03:08,258 Where's your boyfriend? Where's Rick? 68 00:03:08,259 --> 00:03:10,320 Jim, that's none of our business. 69 00:03:10,321 --> 00:03:12,763 No, it's okay. We split up a while ago. 70 00:03:13,464 --> 00:03:14,765 No kidding. 71 00:03:15,926 --> 00:03:18,197 Gee, if you two kids couldn't make it, 72 00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:20,501 there's no hope for anybody in this roller-coaster world. 73 00:03:21,902 --> 00:03:23,673 What do you want? What are you doing here? 74 00:03:23,674 --> 00:03:25,835 Jim. No, Cheryl. What do you want? 75 00:03:25,836 --> 00:03:27,877 Aw, jeez, Jimmy, 76 00:03:27,878 --> 00:03:30,410 can't a girl show up on her brother's doorstep 77 00:03:30,411 --> 00:03:31,581 broke, knocked up, and alone, 78 00:03:31,582 --> 00:03:32,943 and not be after something? 79 00:03:36,547 --> 00:03:38,248 I need a place to stay. 80 00:03:38,249 --> 00:03:40,690 Okay, now it begins. 81 00:03:40,691 --> 00:03:42,792 "I need a place to stay," 82 00:03:42,793 --> 00:03:44,994 the good cookies... 83 00:03:44,995 --> 00:03:46,496 Cheryl, you want to get the money sock? 84 00:03:46,497 --> 00:03:48,898 We're giving it all away tonight. 85 00:03:48,899 --> 00:03:51,000 Honey, can I talk to you in the other room? 86 00:03:51,001 --> 00:03:54,003 No, I'm not going in the other room with you. 87 00:03:54,004 --> 00:03:57,607 To talk. So you can appeal to my emotions. 88 00:03:57,608 --> 00:03:59,669 No way. I'm smarter than that. 89 00:03:59,670 --> 00:04:00,870 I'm in the mood for a quickie. 90 00:04:05,876 --> 00:04:07,448 I know you're lying. 91 00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:09,249 Am I? 92 00:04:10,381 --> 00:04:11,922 I can't be 100% sure. Come on. 93 00:04:15,626 --> 00:04:18,359 Oh, yes, the couch, the couch. Good idea. 94 00:04:18,889 --> 00:04:20,030 We got to let her stay. 95 00:04:20,791 --> 00:04:23,793 I knew it! 96 00:04:23,794 --> 00:04:25,495 Look, honey, we can put her in Kyle's room, 97 00:04:25,496 --> 00:04:27,537 and then Kyle can stay in our room. It'll be fine. 98 00:04:27,538 --> 00:04:30,340 No. No. No way. She is not staying here. 99 00:04:30,341 --> 00:04:32,442 And what about Andy? What if Andy sees Roxanne? 100 00:04:32,443 --> 00:04:33,543 It's going to just kill him. 101 00:04:33,544 --> 00:04:35,044 I know. It's going to be hard on him, 102 00:04:35,045 --> 00:04:37,006 but we just have to let him know easy. 103 00:04:37,007 --> 00:04:38,949 ANDY: Oh, my God, no! 104 00:04:41,952 --> 00:04:43,513 I can't believe this. 105 00:04:43,514 --> 00:04:45,014 You made French toast and didn't call me. 106 00:04:45,015 --> 00:04:46,657 We had an agreement. 107 00:04:48,759 --> 00:04:49,959 (STAMMERING) Andy, sit down. 108 00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:51,290 I need to tell you something. 109 00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:54,024 Ooh, man. I hope labor's that easy. 110 00:04:57,968 --> 00:04:58,999 Hey. 111 00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:01,802 Andy. 112 00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:06,305 Hi, Roxanne. 113 00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:07,707 Whoa, look at you. 114 00:05:07,708 --> 00:05:09,008 Yeah. 115 00:05:09,009 --> 00:05:10,480 Yeah, a little pregnant, huh? 116 00:05:10,481 --> 00:05:12,582 That was my first thought, yeah. 117 00:05:12,583 --> 00:05:14,445 Yeah. And it's yours, honey. 118 00:05:17,348 --> 00:05:19,450 Okay, that wasn't my second. 119 00:05:28,499 --> 00:05:31,100 All right, Andy's helping Roxanne unpack. 120 00:05:31,101 --> 00:05:32,902 How are we doing on that air mattress? 121 00:05:32,903 --> 00:05:34,504 Just a couple more minutes. 122 00:05:34,505 --> 00:05:35,635 Ruby's getting a second wind. 123 00:05:35,636 --> 00:05:36,667 Oh. 124 00:05:37,768 --> 00:05:39,539 Daddy, I'm dizzy. 125 00:05:39,540 --> 00:05:41,772 All right, you tag out. Gracie, you're up. 126 00:05:43,744 --> 00:05:44,814 Jim. 127 00:05:44,815 --> 00:05:47,647 What? I'm stewing. 128 00:05:47,648 --> 00:05:50,580 You want me to stew and blow up the air mattress? 129 00:05:50,581 --> 00:05:53,523 That puts a lot of strain on a man's heart. 130 00:05:53,524 --> 00:05:55,084 Don't you want your children to have a father around? 131 00:05:55,085 --> 00:05:57,957 Do you hate your children, Cheryl? 132 00:05:57,958 --> 00:05:59,389 Yeah, Jim, I hate our children. 133 00:05:59,390 --> 00:06:01,461 (BOTH GASP) 134 00:06:01,462 --> 00:06:04,594 Oh. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, my girls. 135 00:06:04,595 --> 00:06:06,666 Oh, I love you. Mmm, I love you. 136 00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:08,638 In fact, why don't you girls go get ice cream 137 00:06:08,639 --> 00:06:11,070 while Daddy blows up the air mattress? 138 00:06:11,071 --> 00:06:12,142 Fine. 139 00:06:13,003 --> 00:06:14,674 Hey, what's going on? 140 00:06:14,675 --> 00:06:16,105 Well, uh, Roxanne's here. 141 00:06:16,106 --> 00:06:17,877 She's pregnant, and it's Andy's baby. 142 00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:18,978 Oh, yeah? 143 00:06:18,979 --> 00:06:20,510 Wait till you hear about my day. 144 00:06:20,511 --> 00:06:22,752 I went to the coffee shop, 145 00:06:22,753 --> 00:06:24,654 and you know those maple scones they're always out of? 146 00:06:24,655 --> 00:06:26,617 They had them. I ate six! 147 00:06:27,458 --> 00:06:29,889 Dana, Dana, focus. 148 00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:32,923 Roxanne is here, and she's pregnant with Andy's baby. 149 00:06:33,724 --> 00:06:35,065 What? Yes. 150 00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:37,698 Oh, my God. 151 00:06:38,729 --> 00:06:40,399 Andy a father? 152 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:41,931 Roxanne a mother? 153 00:06:41,932 --> 00:06:43,633 I ate six maple scones? 154 00:06:43,634 --> 00:06:44,974 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 155 00:06:44,975 --> 00:06:46,576 Dana, Dana, you're hyperventilating. 156 00:06:46,577 --> 00:06:49,178 Here, blow into this. Here. 157 00:06:49,179 --> 00:06:51,882 I hate my life. I'm alone and bloated. 158 00:06:54,044 --> 00:06:56,686 Dana, this is not about you. 159 00:06:56,687 --> 00:06:57,747 This is about your brother. 160 00:06:57,748 --> 00:06:59,889 He's upstairs, and he is freaked out. 161 00:06:59,890 --> 00:07:01,552 (SCATTING) 162 00:07:06,126 --> 00:07:08,898 Hey, Cheryl, you got an old breast pump laying around? 163 00:07:08,899 --> 00:07:09,929 What? 164 00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,200 Ah, I'll buy a new one. 165 00:07:11,201 --> 00:07:13,062 (GASPS) Dana! 166 00:07:13,063 --> 00:07:14,534 I'm going to be a dad. 167 00:07:14,535 --> 00:07:16,666 Anything new with you? No, right? 168 00:07:16,667 --> 00:07:18,207 Come here. 169 00:07:18,208 --> 00:07:19,909 Wait, wait a minute. 170 00:07:19,910 --> 00:07:22,542 You and Roxanne broke up a year ago. 171 00:07:22,543 --> 00:07:24,213 This can't be your baby. 172 00:07:24,214 --> 00:07:26,716 She's right. 173 00:07:26,717 --> 00:07:33,022 Well, well, well. So the baby isn't my niece or nephew. 174 00:07:33,023 --> 00:07:36,527 No. No, honey, no. It's still your sister's kid. 175 00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:40,630 Be that as it may, 176 00:07:40,631 --> 00:07:44,934 I am not going to let Roxanne take advantage of us or that sap. 177 00:07:44,935 --> 00:07:46,736 Come on, Andy. Let's go talk to her. 178 00:07:46,737 --> 00:07:48,898 Uh, yeah, wait, Jim, um... 179 00:07:48,899 --> 00:07:51,000 What if, say, roughly nine months ago, 180 00:07:51,001 --> 00:07:53,102 I went to Vegas to, you know, 181 00:07:53,103 --> 00:07:54,974 get the marriage annulled with Roxanne, 182 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:56,506 and, oh, I don't know, 183 00:07:56,507 --> 00:07:58,848 let's say there was a hot tub place 184 00:07:58,849 --> 00:08:00,610 next to the courthouse... 185 00:08:00,611 --> 00:08:02,712 Andy, Andy, Andy. 186 00:08:02,713 --> 00:08:04,483 I don't believe you. 187 00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:06,686 After what she did to you, how could you even look at her? 188 00:08:06,687 --> 00:08:07,857 Hey, don't preach to me. 189 00:08:07,858 --> 00:08:10,089 Preach to my fiery Latin libido. 190 00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:11,160 What? 191 00:08:11,161 --> 00:08:12,261 You're not Latin. 192 00:08:12,262 --> 00:08:14,924 Parts of me are. 193 00:08:14,925 --> 00:08:17,697 Andy, come on. Wake up here, all right? 194 00:08:17,698 --> 00:08:19,769 Roxanne is a user. 195 00:08:19,770 --> 00:08:22,501 She's going to split and leave you with the baby. 196 00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,104 Are you ready to be a single dad? 197 00:08:24,875 --> 00:08:27,006 Just now, upstairs, 198 00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:29,078 I felt Roxanne's stomach, 199 00:08:29,079 --> 00:08:30,881 and the baby kicked. 200 00:08:31,582 --> 00:08:33,282 My baby. 201 00:08:33,283 --> 00:08:36,186 You guys, man, it made me so... 202 00:08:37,748 --> 00:08:39,549 Happy. 203 00:08:39,550 --> 00:08:42,521 So yeah, Jim, I'm ready to be a dad. 204 00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:44,153 I even know the first present 205 00:08:44,154 --> 00:08:46,034 I'm going to give the baby, my stuffed elephant. 206 00:08:47,628 --> 00:08:49,099 Lord Tuskington? 207 00:08:50,661 --> 00:08:51,731 Who? 208 00:08:51,732 --> 00:08:53,302 Oh, he got it when he was a baby. 209 00:08:53,303 --> 00:08:54,964 He and Tusky were inseparable. 210 00:08:54,965 --> 00:08:56,266 They even had a wedding once. 211 00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:58,638 What? 212 00:08:58,639 --> 00:09:00,309 It was a friendship ceremony. 213 00:09:00,310 --> 00:09:03,643 (LAUGHING) You gave him a ring. 214 00:09:03,644 --> 00:09:08,318 Oh, yeah? Well, you used to kiss Michael Landon through the TV screen. Snap. 215 00:09:10,250 --> 00:09:12,052 So did you. Snap. 216 00:09:14,184 --> 00:09:16,086 His hair was confusing. 217 00:09:27,097 --> 00:09:28,868 So they pull it out, and it's all covered in slime... 218 00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:31,271 Hey, hey, hey, hey. What's going on? 219 00:09:32,302 --> 00:09:33,943 Hey, girls. Hi, Daddy. 220 00:09:33,944 --> 00:09:36,706 Aunt Roxanne's telling us about having babies. 221 00:09:36,707 --> 00:09:38,308 Don't worry. I kept it G-rated. 222 00:09:40,651 --> 00:09:42,783 Daddy, what's episiotomy? 223 00:09:46,717 --> 00:09:49,058 Oh, episiotomy, that's, uh... 224 00:09:49,059 --> 00:09:50,821 That's one of SpongeBob's friends. 225 00:09:53,063 --> 00:09:55,064 Hey, girls, 226 00:09:55,065 --> 00:09:56,973 you want to go upstairs and find the pony I hid in your room? 227 00:09:56,997 --> 00:09:59,799 Yay! 228 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:01,802 You know, you could just tell us to leave. 229 00:10:03,634 --> 00:10:05,304 Did I say pony? 230 00:10:05,305 --> 00:10:06,806 I meant dollar. 231 00:10:06,807 --> 00:10:09,939 Yay! 232 00:10:09,940 --> 00:10:13,183 You know, they grow up a lot slower than you think. 233 00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:17,286 So, Roxanne, what's the plan? 234 00:10:17,287 --> 00:10:18,888 I don't know. 235 00:10:18,889 --> 00:10:21,220 Some peanut butter, maybe a little jelly. 236 00:10:21,221 --> 00:10:22,852 Uh-huh. 237 00:10:22,853 --> 00:10:24,854 Tell me if this sounds right. 238 00:10:24,855 --> 00:10:28,758 You have the baby, you move in with Andy, 239 00:10:28,759 --> 00:10:30,700 you get him all emotionally attached, 240 00:10:30,701 --> 00:10:32,402 you leave, and he becomes Mr. Mom. 241 00:10:33,363 --> 00:10:34,834 Why would I leave? 242 00:10:34,835 --> 00:10:36,936 Because that's what you do, Roxanne. 243 00:10:36,937 --> 00:10:39,238 Kids like ice cream, dogs lick themselves, 244 00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:41,170 and you let people down. 245 00:10:41,171 --> 00:10:43,744 Oh. No, not this time. 246 00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,075 Andy is a great guy. 247 00:10:46,076 --> 00:10:47,817 Yes, he is. 248 00:10:47,818 --> 00:10:50,720 He's sweet, he's loving and successful. 249 00:10:50,721 --> 00:10:51,851 Why do you think I picked him? 250 00:10:51,852 --> 00:10:53,683 Whoa, picked him? 251 00:10:53,684 --> 00:10:54,685 What do you mean by that? 252 00:10:55,986 --> 00:10:57,987 Are you telling me that Andy's not the father? 253 00:10:57,988 --> 00:10:59,289 Of course he is. 254 00:11:00,731 --> 00:11:02,661 Oh. 255 00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:05,264 I mean, you know, there's always that tiny percentage, 256 00:11:05,265 --> 00:11:08,868 you know, where a gal can never be sure. 257 00:11:08,869 --> 00:11:11,140 Yes, they can, Roxanne. 258 00:11:11,141 --> 00:11:13,072 Oh. 259 00:11:13,073 --> 00:11:15,775 Are you absolutely sure you're the father of your kids? 260 00:11:15,776 --> 00:11:17,047 Yes, I am. 261 00:11:18,148 --> 00:11:19,408 Who is it? 262 00:11:19,409 --> 00:11:20,750 It's Rick, right? 263 00:11:20,751 --> 00:11:22,351 He's the father. Rick, right? 264 00:11:22,352 --> 00:11:23,883 Or Andy. 265 00:11:23,884 --> 00:11:25,184 ANDY: Okay. 266 00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:27,386 (LAUGHS) Got a couple slabs of ribs, 267 00:11:27,387 --> 00:11:29,088 some mint chocolate chip ice cream, 268 00:11:29,089 --> 00:11:30,389 and a watermelon. 269 00:11:30,390 --> 00:11:32,992 Andy, you won't have to take care 270 00:11:32,993 --> 00:11:34,794 of Roxanne's cravings anymore. 271 00:11:34,795 --> 00:11:37,027 Roxanne, you have cravings? Want some of my dinner? 272 00:11:39,069 --> 00:11:40,800 No, Roxanne just told me 273 00:11:40,801 --> 00:11:42,101 that Rick might be the father. 274 00:11:42,102 --> 00:11:43,702 Oh, come on, Jimmy. I didn't say that. 275 00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:44,974 Yes, you did. You said that Andy 276 00:11:44,975 --> 00:11:46,435 wasn't the only one you were with. 277 00:11:46,436 --> 00:11:48,308 Well, I meant ever. 278 00:11:50,741 --> 00:11:53,212 Andy knows I'm no angel. 279 00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:56,085 Doesn't mean she's never been to heaven. Wink. 280 00:11:56,086 --> 00:11:57,446 (LAUGHING) Fresh. 281 00:11:57,447 --> 00:11:59,248 Andy, Andy. Hey, what? 282 00:11:59,249 --> 00:12:01,050 (MUMBLES) But... No bu-bu-bu. 283 00:12:01,051 --> 00:12:02,922 No, Andy... Bu-bu-bu! 284 00:12:02,923 --> 00:12:04,323 First of all, you don't bu-bu me. 285 00:12:04,324 --> 00:12:05,724 I bu-bu-bu you. 286 00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:08,828 Well, you won't let it go, Jim. Come on. 287 00:12:08,829 --> 00:12:10,830 For God's sake, give her a break. 288 00:12:10,831 --> 00:12:12,201 Your sister says I'm the father of the baby, 289 00:12:12,202 --> 00:12:13,863 I'm the father of the baby. 290 00:12:13,864 --> 00:12:16,335 Nothing you can say is going to change that. 291 00:12:16,336 --> 00:12:18,337 Come on, Roxanne. I'll get your stuff. 292 00:12:18,338 --> 00:12:19,810 You stay with me tonight. 293 00:12:23,473 --> 00:12:25,945 You know what? The ice cream's going to melt. 294 00:12:25,946 --> 00:12:28,748 I'll get your stuff later. Good day, sir. 295 00:12:31,922 --> 00:12:36,355 So three quick inhales followed by a deep, cleansing exhale. 296 00:12:36,356 --> 00:12:40,029 Three inhales, one exhale. 297 00:12:40,030 --> 00:12:43,533 Can't we just skip to the part where they give you the drugs and the baby shoots out? 298 00:12:45,235 --> 00:12:46,465 Andy. 299 00:12:46,466 --> 00:12:48,267 Oh, great. What are you doing here? 300 00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:50,039 Look, there was no other way to do this. 301 00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:52,041 You wouldn't listen to me. 302 00:12:52,042 --> 00:12:54,344 Roxanne, you want to introduce them? 303 00:12:54,975 --> 00:12:56,405 Rick. 304 00:12:56,406 --> 00:12:57,877 Hey, Roxy. 305 00:12:57,878 --> 00:12:59,879 Oh, okay, you're the famous Rick, 306 00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:03,152 as in the "I love Rick" tattoo on her left butt cheek. 307 00:13:03,153 --> 00:13:05,354 Yeah, I did that myself, yeah. 308 00:13:05,355 --> 00:13:07,487 Yeah, well, he told me it was going to be a unicorn. 309 00:13:08,959 --> 00:13:11,020 How could you do this? I told you to stay out of it. 310 00:13:11,021 --> 00:13:12,791 I'm just trying to look out for you. 311 00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:13,963 Did I ask you to look out for me? 312 00:13:13,964 --> 00:13:15,464 Did I say, "Hey, Jim, look out for me, 313 00:13:15,465 --> 00:13:17,466 "because I can't look out for myself. I'm an idiot"? 314 00:13:17,467 --> 00:13:20,529 I thought that was implied. 315 00:13:20,530 --> 00:13:23,874 Roxy, why didn't you tell me you were knocked up? 316 00:13:24,975 --> 00:13:26,805 Would you have cared? 317 00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:29,438 Please, I'm a sensitive man. 318 00:13:29,439 --> 00:13:31,241 Your melons are huge, by the way. 319 00:13:32,342 --> 00:13:34,483 Rick, why don't you do us all a favor 320 00:13:34,484 --> 00:13:36,045 and get the hell out of here? 321 00:13:36,046 --> 00:13:37,516 I'm not going anywhere. 322 00:13:37,517 --> 00:13:39,518 Well, you're also not lying on the floor bleeding, either, 323 00:13:39,519 --> 00:13:40,950 but things can change. 324 00:13:40,951 --> 00:13:42,551 Come on, Jimmy, do something. 325 00:13:42,552 --> 00:13:44,593 Okay, okay, okay, okay, easy, guys, easy. 326 00:13:44,594 --> 00:13:47,056 (LAUGHS) Come on, calm down here. 327 00:13:47,057 --> 00:13:48,227 Care to step outside? 328 00:13:48,228 --> 00:13:51,160 Oh, I don't know. It's kind of chilly. 329 00:13:51,161 --> 00:13:52,902 That's 'cause there's a storm coming. 330 00:13:52,903 --> 00:13:55,204 Oh, really? I heard Friday. 331 00:13:55,205 --> 00:13:57,266 Andy, he's talking about kicking your ass. 332 00:13:57,267 --> 00:13:59,008 Oh. Well, either way, 333 00:13:59,009 --> 00:14:00,609 it's going to rain Friday. 334 00:14:00,610 --> 00:14:02,171 Come on, bring it on. Easy now. 335 00:14:02,172 --> 00:14:03,612 Listen, you don't want to do that here. 336 00:14:03,613 --> 00:14:05,875 Oh! Ooh! Aah! I'm having a contraction! 337 00:14:05,876 --> 00:14:07,977 (GASPS) I think the baby's coming. 338 00:14:07,978 --> 00:14:10,079 We've got to do something. Where's the lady? 339 00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:11,881 Here, let's check the tape. 340 00:14:11,882 --> 00:14:13,322 ANDY ON TAPE: Notes for a novel, 341 00:14:13,323 --> 00:14:15,124 Andrew Slate, the rugged blond architect, 342 00:14:15,125 --> 00:14:16,625 heaved his muscular frame and... 343 00:14:16,626 --> 00:14:18,327 Damn it! 344 00:14:18,328 --> 00:14:21,530 All right, all right. Just calm down. Relax. Everybody relax. 345 00:14:21,531 --> 00:14:25,364 I'm a dad. I've done this a couple times before. 346 00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:26,366 You two together? 347 00:14:27,898 --> 00:14:29,568 Good for you. 348 00:14:29,569 --> 00:14:31,901 All right, all right, Roxanne, did your water bag break? 349 00:14:31,902 --> 00:14:33,342 Oh, not yet. 350 00:14:33,343 --> 00:14:35,205 I think mine just did. 351 00:14:45,986 --> 00:14:47,416 Hey, I have a good name. 352 00:14:47,417 --> 00:14:49,419 If it's a girl, Priscilla. 353 00:14:49,990 --> 00:14:51,021 Eh. 354 00:14:52,022 --> 00:14:53,222 Hey, okay, okay. 355 00:14:53,223 --> 00:14:55,264 How about Jasmine? That's a good name. 356 00:14:55,265 --> 00:14:57,997 Yeah, for a hooker. 357 00:14:57,998 --> 00:14:59,428 All right, you come up with a name. 358 00:14:59,429 --> 00:15:01,901 How about Little Miss I-Should-Be-The-One-Having-A-Baby? 359 00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:04,934 Or Jessica. Yeah. 360 00:15:04,935 --> 00:15:06,976 Jessica's a good name. Yeah. 361 00:15:06,977 --> 00:15:12,081 Here. Boy, this really reminds me of when Ruby was born. 362 00:15:12,082 --> 00:15:14,684 And you panicked and took me to the animal hospital? 363 00:15:15,986 --> 00:15:18,687 She came out just fine. 364 00:15:18,688 --> 00:15:21,952 I gave birth next to a dog. I still have nightmares. 365 00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:24,194 (BARKS) Oh! 366 00:15:26,296 --> 00:15:28,027 Roxanne's out of delivery. 367 00:15:28,028 --> 00:15:30,199 Mother and son are doing fine. 368 00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:31,560 It's a boy. 369 00:15:31,561 --> 00:15:33,263 BOTH: Trevor. 370 00:15:35,005 --> 00:15:37,166 I'm the father. Lead the way. 371 00:15:37,167 --> 00:15:38,937 No, I'm the father. 372 00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:40,169 Oh, you still want to go? Because I'll go. 373 00:15:40,170 --> 00:15:41,170 Okay, okay, okay, easy, easy, guys. 374 00:15:41,171 --> 00:15:43,072 We're in a hospital. 375 00:15:43,073 --> 00:15:45,193 Actually, she just wants to see her brother right now. 376 00:15:46,616 --> 00:15:48,577 Me? 377 00:15:48,578 --> 00:15:50,319 Cheryl, why does she want to see me? 378 00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:52,121 I don't even like her that much. 379 00:15:52,122 --> 00:15:54,583 Why don't you talk to her? You like her. She likes you. 380 00:15:54,584 --> 00:15:56,225 Come on. 381 00:15:56,226 --> 00:15:57,956 Honey, I know you guys don't get along, 382 00:15:57,957 --> 00:15:59,358 but, Jim, 383 00:15:59,359 --> 00:16:00,959 she's holding your nephew in there, 384 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,031 (SIGHS) 385 00:16:02,032 --> 00:16:03,492 and she's scared, 386 00:16:03,493 --> 00:16:05,334 and you're the only family she's got. 387 00:16:05,335 --> 00:16:07,136 Go on. 388 00:16:07,137 --> 00:16:09,468 Why do you always have to see the good in people? 389 00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:12,071 Oh. I married you. 390 00:16:12,072 --> 00:16:14,344 Everyone else is a piece of cake. 391 00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:22,111 Hey. 392 00:16:22,112 --> 00:16:23,183 Hey. 393 00:16:24,214 --> 00:16:26,285 How you doing? 394 00:16:26,286 --> 00:16:29,618 I feel like I just peed out a steamer trunk. 395 00:16:29,619 --> 00:16:31,221 How do you think I'm doing? 396 00:16:32,122 --> 00:16:33,463 You got a little baby there, huh? 397 00:16:35,095 --> 00:16:36,425 Let me see. 398 00:16:36,426 --> 00:16:37,496 Jimmy, wait. 399 00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:39,369 No, no, no, let me see. 400 00:16:42,472 --> 00:16:43,733 Holy crap. 401 00:16:46,136 --> 00:16:48,738 That baby doesn't look like Andy or Rick. 402 00:16:49,639 --> 00:16:51,441 This baby's Chinese! 403 00:16:54,714 --> 00:16:56,385 Yeah. 404 00:16:56,386 --> 00:16:57,587 Yeah. 405 00:16:58,318 --> 00:16:59,519 Funny story. 406 00:17:02,152 --> 00:17:05,194 Last summer, I had these headaches, 407 00:17:05,195 --> 00:17:07,596 and I went to see this acupuncturist, 408 00:17:07,597 --> 00:17:09,798 and he had an office right next to a hot tub place... 409 00:17:09,799 --> 00:17:13,433 Okay, okay, I get it, I get it, I get it, I get it. 410 00:17:15,135 --> 00:17:17,136 Roxanne, what are you going to do? 411 00:17:17,137 --> 00:17:19,369 I mean, you got Rick and Andy waiting out there. 412 00:17:20,140 --> 00:17:22,071 Right. 413 00:17:22,072 --> 00:17:23,573 Yeah, which one do I choose? 414 00:17:25,145 --> 00:17:26,675 Choose? 415 00:17:26,676 --> 00:17:30,719 Yeah, Andy, he's sweet, and he has a really nice house, 416 00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:33,322 but Rick's got a bitching hog. 417 00:17:33,323 --> 00:17:36,186 Roxanne, neither one of them is the father. 418 00:17:37,127 --> 00:17:39,488 Wake up. Will you wake up? 419 00:17:39,489 --> 00:17:40,789 You've got to grow up, honey. 420 00:17:40,790 --> 00:17:42,461 You're a mother, now. Look at you. 421 00:17:42,462 --> 00:17:43,792 You're not even holding the baby right. 422 00:17:43,793 --> 00:17:46,335 Let me show you. Let me show you how to hold a... 423 00:17:46,336 --> 00:17:48,737 You've got to support their neck. 424 00:17:48,738 --> 00:17:50,769 It's the most vulnerable part of babies 425 00:17:50,770 --> 00:17:54,103 when they're little small things like this. 426 00:17:54,104 --> 00:17:55,305 See that? 427 00:17:58,077 --> 00:17:59,078 (LAUGHING) 428 00:18:00,550 --> 00:18:02,852 Look at you, yeah. 429 00:18:04,614 --> 00:18:07,117 My little nephew. Happy birthday. 430 00:18:10,220 --> 00:18:11,591 He's beautiful, isn't he? 431 00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:13,693 Yeah. 432 00:18:15,165 --> 00:18:16,666 He's got my chin. 433 00:18:18,798 --> 00:18:20,829 Chin. 434 00:18:20,830 --> 00:18:23,102 You know, that would be a really good name for him. 435 00:18:32,312 --> 00:18:34,213 Look at this boy. 436 00:18:34,214 --> 00:18:36,216 Will you look at this boy? 437 00:18:36,846 --> 00:18:38,787 You know, Roxanne, 438 00:18:38,788 --> 00:18:42,222 he's going to need you to show him how to live his life. 439 00:18:43,323 --> 00:18:45,594 Now, you're the teacher, 440 00:18:45,595 --> 00:18:47,756 And what, are you going to teach him that it's okay 441 00:18:47,757 --> 00:18:49,799 to screw over people that love you? 442 00:18:51,201 --> 00:18:52,431 Well... 443 00:18:52,432 --> 00:18:54,434 Look, this is your shot, Roxanne. 444 00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:58,867 This is your shot. 445 00:18:58,868 --> 00:19:02,611 And the amazing thing about these little babies 446 00:19:02,612 --> 00:19:04,744 is they give you the chance to start over. 447 00:19:06,846 --> 00:19:08,677 Knock, knock. Can we come in? 448 00:19:08,678 --> 00:19:10,879 Who's he look like? Who's he look like? 449 00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:13,653 About a fifth of the world's population. 450 00:19:16,386 --> 00:19:17,457 Whoa. 451 00:19:18,328 --> 00:19:19,729 What happened? 452 00:19:20,830 --> 00:19:22,762 He's Chinese, you idiot. 453 00:19:24,264 --> 00:19:25,895 He's all yours, slim. 454 00:19:27,837 --> 00:19:30,600 Well, looks like you're off the hook, too. 455 00:19:34,744 --> 00:19:36,776 What if I don't want to be off the hook? 456 00:19:37,947 --> 00:19:39,248 What are you talking about? 457 00:19:39,249 --> 00:19:42,211 This baby still needs a father, Roxanne, 458 00:19:42,212 --> 00:19:43,912 someone to love him, put a roof over his head. 459 00:19:43,913 --> 00:19:45,684 I can provide those things. 460 00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:47,525 I mean, isn't that why you came looking for me? 461 00:19:49,419 --> 00:19:50,759 Yeah. 462 00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:51,820 Yeah, but I've been thinking... 463 00:19:51,821 --> 00:19:52,962 What? Well... 464 00:19:54,694 --> 00:19:57,727 I think it would be nice if he meets his real father. 465 00:19:58,598 --> 00:19:59,929 Chin deserves that. 466 00:20:07,277 --> 00:20:08,338 Chin? 467 00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:11,581 Well, yeah, just trying it out. 468 00:20:13,413 --> 00:20:15,213 Okay. 469 00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:19,549 Well, if it doesn't work out, or if you want to jump in the old jacuz, 470 00:20:22,322 --> 00:20:23,922 you got my number. 471 00:20:23,923 --> 00:20:25,925 Aw, Andy, you're so sweet. 472 00:20:27,457 --> 00:20:28,597 (SIGHS) 473 00:20:28,598 --> 00:20:30,900 Can I call collect? Is that cool? 474 00:20:32,662 --> 00:20:34,403 Yeah. 475 00:20:34,404 --> 00:20:36,004 Um, uh, here. 476 00:20:36,005 --> 00:20:37,366 This is for the baby. 477 00:20:37,367 --> 00:20:39,739 I'm going to go get Cheryl and Dana. 478 00:20:44,744 --> 00:20:47,517 Oh, he would have been a really good dad. 479 00:20:48,918 --> 00:20:50,720 He will be, someday. 480 00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:53,383 So... 481 00:20:55,555 --> 00:20:57,287 What if we go back 482 00:20:58,628 --> 00:21:00,329 and see the acupuncturist, 483 00:21:00,330 --> 00:21:02,330 and he doesn't want to have anything to do with us? 484 00:21:03,993 --> 00:21:05,365 Well... 485 00:21:08,598 --> 00:21:09,899 You got my number. 486 00:21:15,044 --> 00:21:16,945 Hey, look. 487 00:21:16,946 --> 00:21:18,878 He gave me an elephant. 488 00:21:20,850 --> 00:21:23,953 (CHUCKLING) Oh, yeah. That's Lord Tuskington. 489 00:21:26,316 --> 00:21:29,389 That was Andy's first stuffed animal, and spouse. 490 00:21:31,821 --> 00:21:34,063 Might want to wash it before you give it to the kid.